Although managers deal with people daily, it can be a lonely job. 

When you were an engineer, if you weren’t sure what to do, you could ask your manager or lead. You’d get feedback and guidance, and they’d make sure to help you get started.

The story is quite different once you change roles. Now, you have to:

  • Make decisions (even the difficult and uncomfortable ones) on your own
  • Lead your team and be the one they come to for guidance
  • Reassure yourself
  • Take the lead when problems occur
  • Solve both technical and people problems
  • And advocate for your team

If you’re lucky, you might have a supportive and responsive manager. But that’s not always the case. You’ll make the call, sit with the consequences, and wonder if it was the right move. That’s the part no one tells you about: the need to build a source of reassurance within yourself.

Situations when you need help the most

Imagine a new engineering manager (EM) who’s trying to modernize her company's payment processing system. The current system is becoming unstable and causing occasional outages, but it's still working most of the time. She recognizes that technical debt is increasing, and that the system needs a major overhaul to prevent an expensive failure.

She's brought this up with upper management multiple times. However, because the problems are intermittent and the revenue impact isn't yet noticeable, upper management keeps pushing for new feature development instead. They tell her: “Do the best you can with what you have, and we’ll revisit this next quarter.”

Meanwhile, her team is:

  • Burning out from constant firefighting
  • Making no progress on modernization
  • Losing morale as concerns go unheard
  • And starting to look for other jobs 

This creates a vicious cycle where the lack of resources leads to more problems, which in turn makes it harder to dedicate time to fixing the root causes. What makes this even more challenging is that the issue isn’t a visible emergency yet. So, the leadership isn’t as interested in investing in prevention.

While this story centers on technical debt, the pattern is widespread. Many EMs hit similar roadblocks when dealing with:

  • Being expected to make high-stakes technical calls with no backup
  • Managing chronic technical debt while leadership demands new features
  • Navigating interpersonal conflict between team members or stakeholders
  • Letting someone go when you’re not 100% sure – but you know it’s time
  • And hiring under pressure, with little guidance and unclear expectations

Learning how to navigate these challenges is what turns you into a resilient manager.

How to get the help you need

Let’s go back to the technical debt problem. It’s one of the most common and frustrating challenges managers face – because the symptoms are subtle, the risks are long-term, and leadership attention is often elsewhere.

Here’s how to build a case when those problems begin to accumulate:

  • Problem: State the problem in plain language and show them all the data on increasing error rates.
  • Reason: Explain why these problems are important and how they can affect the company’s long-term plans. Usually, it ties back to money. If the system isn’t eating into profits yet, it’s likely to do so very soon if the critical issues aren’t resolved. So, that's what you should focus on.
  • Plan: Create a detailed plan outlining what resources you need and how fast it should be done.
  • Justification: Provide a clear explanation of how additional resources will contribute to achieving the project's goals. Explain why focusing on solving the existing problems is more cost-effective than pushing for new features on a broken foundation.
  • Results: Connect your requests to specific results and business outcomes instead of focusing only on asking for more resources

Even when you make a compelling case, you may still get silence. And you’ll have to decide to be persistent. You just have to keep going, knowing that you’re making the right call, even when no one confirms it. That’s where inner reassurance comes in.

The human element is often trickier than the technical

Asking for resources to handle technical problems is one thing. However, dealing with people is more vague, and that’s often where many managers receive the least help from their superiors. 

For example, many feel uncertain when they have to deal with manipulative team members. 

Imagine a scenario where an engineer repeatedly makes a mistake in their code. You arrange a one-on-one to address the issue and try to help solve it. But during the meeting, the engineer tells you that it’s actually not their fault. Instead, they shift the blame – on teammates, on unclear requirements, and maybe even on you. They do it calmly and confidently.

You leave the meeting thinking: “Maybe they have a point.”

Then it happens again. And again. Each time, they turn the conversation just enough to make you doubt your read of the situation. You know you need to address the issue more directly – but now you’re unsure. You don’t want to overreact. You wish someone more senior could validate your instinct. 

Unfortunately, it’s not always possible. 

This is the kind of challenge that doesn’t show up in most leadership manuals. And it’s one of the loneliest parts of the job. 

What to do without help

You won’t always get back up from your manager or anyone else. Here’s what you can do to navigate difficult situations on your own.

1 - Record and analyze your interactions

This tip is especially useful if you have your meetings online and can use software to record and transcribe them. 

If you feel undermined, uncertain, or didn’t like how a conversation went, review the recording after the meeting and try to spot where the conversation turned around. 

If you’re still unsure, you can use ChatGPT or another AI tool for a neutral summary or tone analysis. AI can offer an objective second pass, especially if you’re emotionally too close to the issue to spot conversational dynamics. 

It’s not about replacing your instincts – it’s about perspective.

2 - Try the rubber duck debugging exercise

Most engineers are familiar with the rubber duck debugging method. When you’re stuck on a problem, you explain it out loud to a rubber duck. You’ll often see rubber ducks on engineers’ desks – it’s not just for show. 

I find them helpful not only for technical issues but also for interpersonal problems. But the duck is just an example. You can talk to yourself, your dog, or someone you trust. The act of voicing your thoughts can help you make a decision.

It’s a bit like therapy – where the power often lies in the talking, not the advice. Of course, it’s not a replacement for therapy – but sometimes, talking out loud to an inanimate object really can surface surprising insights.

3 - Try a brain-dumping exercise

If you don’t like the idea of talking out loud, you can also try just writing your thoughts down on a piece of paper. You can do it on your computer, but I find that good old pen and paper works best. 

After a tough conversation or before making a difficult decision, write down whatever comes to your mind. Something about using pen and paper slows you down enough to think – but not enough to overthink.

Here’s how to do it:

  • Find a quiet environment
  • Write freely – don’t worry about grammar or style
  • Set a minimum page limit so you don’t stop early
  • Listen to music if it helps you focus
  • And when you finish, let it sit for a while, then come back and read what you wrote

Oftentimes, the clarity you’re looking for is already in your head, and the solution is in those lines.

4 - Don’t be afraid to Google and Reddit the hard stuff

A lot of managers Google things they “should” already know, such as:

It's not a weakness – it's resourcefulness. Even top-level doctors, lawyers, and business owners aren’t always sure about certain things.

Think about how you make smaller decisions, such as which smartwatch to buy. You probably google different brands, watch product unboxing videos, and read reviews on forums. So why shouldn’t making more important decisions get as much (or more) preparation?

Reddit or Quora can also be great places to not only look for answers but also find a community of managers who experience similar problems. You’d be surprised how many people before you have had the exact same issue. 

Part of being a more resilient manager is learning how to ask better questions and being prepared to relentlessly find your own answers. 

5 - Become your own source of confidence

A difficult part of management is the further up you go, the less feedback you receive. Not because people don’t care but because they assume you’ve figured it out.

Maybe, as an engineer, you were used to having a manager or team lead who’d be there when you made difficult decisions or worked on more challenging projects. Once you’re in their shoes, you realize that there was no one to reassure them. 

That means one of the most valuable skills you can develop is the ability to reassure yourself.

You’ll ask yourself these things all the time:

  • Was that the right call? 
  • Did I lead that conversation well? 
  • Should I have spoken up more strongly? 

And most of the time, no one will answer. So, you answer yourself by learning to stand by your principles, to gather feedback wisely, and to believe you can course-correct if needed.

The short version: how to manage management on your own

Management can be a lonely job. Moving from an engineer to an engineering manager is like graduating college – suddenly, the support you once relied on disappears. 

Even with upper management around, they won’t always be available when you need support or resources. You have to learn to make decisions, take the lead when problems occur, solve problems (technical and people), and trust your instincts.

You can feel more confident by:

  • Build a business case, not just a complaint: when asking for resources, tie your request to risk, cost, and business impact
  • Rewatch tough conversations: use meeting recordings or transcripts to get perspective on emotional or ambiguous interactions
  • Utilize AI: tools like ChatGPT can help you spot manipulation, defensiveness, or tone shifts you might have missed
  • Talk it out, even if it’s to a rubber duck: explaining the situation aloud can help you find the answer 
  • Write: brain-dumping onto paper helps you see patterns and clears your decision-making process
  • Research: you’re not the first to face some issues, so use forums, articles, and manager threads 
  • Validate yourself: learn to trust your process, own your judgment, and act even when you're uncertain

In the end, management isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about learning how to move forward and find solutions on your own.

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Originally published on Medium.com